The Holly and the Felony

We asked our Georgetown law enforcement experts… How many laws does Santa Claus break in the normal execution of his duties?

Santa Claus is involved in many regulatory and federal infractions even before he starts his ride Christmas Eve. 

Long before Dec. 25, he is actively engaged in full-time surveillance of 1.9 billion children. In the course of compiling his colossal “naughty-or-nice” list, he reads emails and letters, which is a violation of the 4th Amendment. 

While it’s difficult to test or prove, we can also be fairly certain that among the millions of homes, just in the United States, he probably has one or two adult beverages to keep him warm, so it’s likely that he would not pass a DUI test if we were to stop him. 

Which leads me to the fact that scientists estimate his speed, to reach every home in 24 hours, exceeds 1,800 miles per second. Definitely time for a reckless driving ticket. 

We also need to consider his health code violations. Rudolph’s red nose is obviously a symptom of infectious cervine rhinotracheitis.

Here in Georgetown, he will be guilty of disturbing the peace, unless he has figured out how to land nearly 2,000 pounds of reindeer and a sleigh full of retail items on a roof without making noise. We will also be looking into any property damage; e.g., unless those broken shingles magically fix themselves when his 1,000-pound sleigh takes off. 

Following that will be criminal trespass, which is a misdemeanor, but the volume of occurrences may warrant greater punishment by the judiciary. 

Santa will certainly be breaking and entering many private citizen residences, and may be charged with misconduct should he be found kissing anyone’s mommy. 

May it please the court…

While we at the Georgetown View do love and admire the greatest police department on planet Earth, we also love and admire Mr. Claus. We are fully prepared to argue, if not for his innocence, at least his freedom. 

Readers, I submit to you Mr. Claus has been unfairly accused and I will prove that, legally, there is no cause for my client to be in this courtroom today. 

First of all, none of the 1.9 billion children who got exactly what they wanted complained about privacy rights. 

Second, you may not charge my client with DUI or speeding due to the fact that there is no blood evidence (because he’s never been caught), nor has humankind developed a radar detector that registers speed in six digits. 

As well, Santa has been working with these livestock for more than 1,700 years, and there has been no documented disease to date.

Regarding disturbing the peace and destruction of property, the state has provided no eyewitness accounts or forensic evidence to prove guilt on either charge. No security video, reindeer hairs, or fibers from a sack that carries 2.3 million tons of gifts. 

It also follows that Santa can not be proven guilty of criminal trespass because there is no evidence he was here. 

Breaking and entering is erroneous because the prosecutor can not prove beyond a reasonable doubt that, without consent of the owner, the defendant entered the home with the intent to commit a felony, theft, or assault.

While the property indeed was locked at the time, my client received inquiries from their children and the owners left cookies and milk and a note with specific instructions, to wit, an invitation to come into the home. 

Also, there was no intent. To the contrary, Mr. Claus brought items with him, which he left at the scene. The only items he removed were cookies that were left for him and carrots to fuel his primary mode of transport.

Despite any validity attached to previous charges, I further submit that, from the start, Mr. Claus has been a victim of selective prosecution. Each charge here applies in multiple situations, but do you see the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy at the defense table? Nay, you do not. You must let the Fat Man go!

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